Pet Peeves

I'm in the mood to vent on a variety of topics, so if you aren't in the mood for ravings, skip this post.

MISPLACED PRIORITIES

If you aren't Jewish, this may be incomprehensible. Feel free to skip to the next topic.

I was recently at a sheva brachos. Among those chosen to make brachos were two men who couldn't get through it without stumbling over the words. That was expected of one of the men. He isn't frum. He doesn't pretend to be frum. He doesn't want to be frum. The fact that he can read Hebrew at all is something to be commended.

The second man, however, does claim to be frum, and in his mind, he probably is. One look would tell you he is "frum." He wears a kapota and a gartle. He dresses all in black, from his shoes to his hat. Yet he can't get through a simple bracha without stumbling. How does he daven?

As it happens, he is a member of a particular group who tends to put appearances over substance. (I'm choosing not to name them because there are a few members who are unusual and don't fit the stereotype. They should not be held accountable for the sins of their brethren.) Over the years I've met many members of this group. In addition to the man in black who can't make a bracha, I've seen so much else.

I've seen a man with yarmulke and tzitzis go into a store to buy a non-kosher candy bar. I've seen a man at a shiur wanting to share "chasidic" insights into the parsha (Vayeira) and then ask the rabbi what made him think Sarah was childless? I've seen countless people who've been frum for years who, like the gentlemen above, cannot get through a simple bracha. I've seen many people who have minhagim that would be aveiros to the rest of the world.

This stems from one cause: as long as you have the right "feelings" the halachos can come later. All too often, the halachos never come at all. We are left with feelings.

But isn't that important? As long as I "feel" Jewish. doesn't that count?

Of course it does. Just ask any non-frum Jew. They'll tell you that feelings are more important than halachos.

Ask any reform Jew. They'll tell you that feelings are more important than halachos.

Ask any christian. They'll tell you that feelings are more important than halachos.

I am relatively certain that no member of that group would want to be associated with non-frum Jews, reform Jews, or christians. Yet they behave the same way.


BEING PUNISHED FOR BEING SINGLE

I recently had occasion to be among the hostesses at a party. Here's a lesson for the future: discuss finances beforehand. Thoroughly.

Let's give an example (which is not based on reality, but based on round numbers being easier to work with).

Imagine you are single. You are giving a party along with four other people whom we'll call Ms. A, Ms. B, Ms. C and Ms. D. The party costs $500 and there will be 50 people there.

Should you each put in $100? At first glance, that would seem fair. However, let's look a little deeper into the situation.

You are coming to the party alone. Ms. A is bringing her husband. Ms. B is bringing her husband and 1 child. Ms. C is bring her husband and 2 children. Ms. D is bringing her husband and 3 children. That means there are 15 "family" members and 35 "guests."

Remember, the party costs $10 per person.

When you pay $100, you are paying for yourself plus 9 guests. Ms. D is paying for her family and 5 guests. Why should you pay for more guests? Why should you subsidize the Ds?

Here is what's fair: each of the five hostesses should pay for their family and seven guests. Therefore you pay $80, Ms. A pays $90, Ms. B pays $100, Ms. C pays $110 and Ms. D pays $120. Yes, Ms. D pays 50 percent more than you, but her family is 400 percent bigger than yours.

In fact, I spoke to several people. They all told me when they've been in this situation, they divided the costs per person and each paid for his or her own family, plus an equal number of guests. That's how it should be. I wish that's how it had been.


DISRESPECTFUL CHILDREN

There is a girl in my shul who likes to get to the kiddush table early and take all the potatoes out of the cholent bowl, leaving none for anybody else. Although she has been told not to do this, she continues, week after week. Unfortunately, she is not an aberration.

I was recently at a different shul. Here there was a separate table for the girls. Before all the adults had a chance to take cholent, a couple girls came and took the cholent bowl to their table. It never returned.

Where does this behavior come from?

Rabbi Alter tells of a time he was in a store in New York. This store was owned by an older couple. While Rabbi Alter was in the store, he witnessed the son berating his mother for some perceived misdeed. Rabbi Alter was ready to say something when the young man's father walked in and started berating his wife for yet another perceived misdeed. What could Rabbi Alter say? How could the son learn respect when the parents don't show any?

I was recently at a dinner in someone's home. When one of the men got up to make a speech, several of the women got up to clear the table. It was very distracting to those of us who wanted to hear what was being said. I did mention to one of the women that perhaps it might be considered rude to be clearing the table while someone was speaking, but she said she didn't care.

Here are people who have not learned respect. If they haven't learned it, how can they pass it on to their children?


A FINAL NOTE

I have to recommend a book. it's not a new book, it's been out for several years. However, I have been re-reading it lately and it is as marvelous, if not more, the second time than it was the first. It's "Doesn't Anyone Blush Anymore?" by Rabbi Manis Friedman. Buy it. Read it. Practice it.

Unions

Those of us of a certain age probably remember the "Look for the Union Label" commercial of some years ago. For those who are too young to remember, it was a commercial for the International Ladies' Garment Workers Union. The commercial reminded people to buy union-made clothing so that union workers could keep their jobs, feed the kids and run the house.

My grandfather was one of the founders of the Garment Workers Union. He helped many workers who were being exploited by unscrupulous, or simply greedy, bosses.

Times have changed.

I worked in a union shop. I learned the truth about unions. Although they do help many people, unions are not the answer for everybody.

The company I worked for had a union contract which based salary on experience--not necessarily with the company, but experience in general. The older you were, the more experience you had, the more money you made.

But what if a younger worker was more efficient, more capable or just a harder worker? Too bad. A mediocre older worker would get paid more than a top-notch younger worker because that was what the union contract stipulated. Fair? I don't think so.

Now, a union has struck again.

A friend of mine works for a company, also controlled by a union contract. A position opened up for which he was qualified, so he applied. Many of his co-workers felt he should get the position. In fact, while the position was vacant, he was filling in and doing the job. Finally, they've chosen someone. Did he get the job?

He should have. He's qualified, he's already been doing it, he's been with the company longer than anybody else in his department. However, the union contract states that all positions have to be offered to the public. He was passed over in favor of an outsider.

Loyalty meant nothing. Hard work meant nothing. Ability meant nothing.

The union spoke. So be it.

How We See Things

Many years ago I went to a concert given by the Civic Orchestra of Chicago. As the musicians came on stage, I was amazed that the orchestra was mostly women. I was not alone. I heard someone sitting near me exclaim, "My G-d, this orchestra is all women."

At that moment I decided to count and see how many there actually were. As it turns out, the percentage of women was 49%, less than half. So how do we explain the mistaken impression that the orchestra was mostly women?

It seems pretty simple. Those of us who are familiar with orchestras know they are overwhelmingly male. Since we expect to see at least 19 men to every woman, something that approaches a one-to-one ratio appears to us as more than what it actually is.

As numerous experiments have proven, two eyewitnesses to an event can come up with very different versions of the facts. Neither of them is lying, they just saw things differently.

What we see is naturally colored by who we are, what we've experienced, and any pre-conceived ideas we may have.

This is my seventh posting to this blog. The first was a short post about nothing. Three were about politics. One was about cultural differences, although it touched on religion. Only the most recent one was truly religious in nature.

Yet someone asked why everything is about my faith. Two people see the same things, and see them totally differently. Is my view so colored by my belief in G-d that I don't even recognize when it creeps into my writing? Is his view so colored by his views (lack of belief?) that he sees more religion than actually exists, just as I saw more women in the orchestra than were actually there?

How much of what we see in life is what is really there, and how much is a product of what we want to see?

Of Tsunamis and 9/11

Some events are so enormous that every detail is seared into our collective memory. You never forget where you were when JFK was shot. When men landed on the moon. When the Berlin wall came down.

The tragedy of 9/11 was such an event. We saw the gaping hole emitting smoke and flames then watched in horror as the second plane hit. We saw the towers fall and cried for those who lost their lives. But for Jews, something miraculous happened. People suddenly understood Israel. They understood what it was like to go about your daily business then suddenly find yourself the victim of a terrorist attack. For once, Israel was the country that had to deal with Arab terror on a daily basis instead of being the horrible country that oppresses Palestinian "freedom fighters."

As we sifted through the debris, the hope of finding survivors gradually fading, we marveled at how Israel can face their own 9/11 day after day after day and still manage to go on.

Unfortunately, our collective consciousness has a blind spot when it comes to Israel. A blind spot when it comes to Jews. After a few days, Israel once again became the bad guy in the Middle East. Once again was chastised for trying to defend itself. Yet again, the Jews were the bad guys.

Now we've experienced another great tragedy. An earthquake in the Indian Ocean caused a Tsunami that, as of this writing, has killed more than 123,000 and the death toll is still rising. Whole villages have been wiped out. Large families have become much smaller. A Sri Lankan family, now living in the United States, was interviewed on TV. They lost 70 members of their family. They have only two relatives left. One can't helped but be reminded of the devastation Jewish familes faced during the Holocaust.

When the war ended, people returned to their villages and towns, hoping to find that some members of their family had survived. In far too many cases, finding two relatives would have been a miracle.

We don't know when the end of days is coming. We do know it's approaching. We do know that when the Messiah comes we will, at last, have peace. The world will finally know G-d. The world will finally understand the Truth that Jews have been proclaiming for thousands of years.

There is a lot we don't know, but it appears G-d is hinting to the world what it's like to be a Jew. Trying to make the world understand so they can prepare. 9/11 hinted at Israel. The Tsunami hinted at the Holocaust. What will be next? Will we have a taste of the Inquisition or will it be the Egyptian slavery?

Or will the world learn and spare us further tragedy?

Let us all look forward to the day when we can ask, "Do you remember where you were when we finally achieved peace?"